I am writing in response to your remarks made to Senator Cornyn on March 7, 2013 during the Senate Judiciary Committee discussing assault weapons bans. I was very alarmed at some of the comments you made regarding post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), largely due to the inaccuracy of your statements. If you are going to kill an amendment to your gun ban legislation that would exempt our veterans from owning certain firearms for personal protection based on “The advent of PTSD, which I think is a new phenomenon as a product of the Iraq War,” then I urge you to actually learn about this condition. I am the co-founder of Military with PTSD, a non-profit organization dedicated to educating people about PTSD, including veterans, caretakers, and civilians, such as yourself, and I would like to clarify a few points with you.

First of all, Senator Feinstein, PTSD is not a, “new phenomenon as a product of the Iraq War.” It has been called soldier’s heart in the Civil War, shell shock in WWI, battle fatigue in WWII, and only most recently, post-traumatic stress disorder, or PTSD. PTSD made its first appearance in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual Third Edition, which was published in 1980. The doctors who lobbied for its inclusion viewed it as a measure that would finally legitimize the pain and suffering of Vietnam War veterans. However, adding PTSD to the DSM turned out to be an action with more far-reaching effects than just that population; it opened doors for a lot of people who desperately needed help. PTSD is a psychological reaction that occurs after an extremely stressful event involving the threat of injury or death. Anyone can get PTSD at any age. This includes war veterans, police officers, firemen, and survivors of physical and sexual assault, abuse, accidents, disasters, and many other serious events. So as you can see, Senator, with all due respect, PTSD is not exclusive to either veterans in general or specifically veterans of the Iraq War.

Next you say, “It’s not clear how the seller or transfer of a firearm covered by this bill would verify that an individual was a member [of the armed forces] or veteran and there was no impairment of that individual with respect to having a weapon like this.” In October 2012, the Department of Veterans Affairs released two reports: one on PTSD and another on health care access at the VA by eligible veterans. According to those reports, “Based on the latest DMDC file received on July 11, 2012, there are a total of 1,515,707 unique OEF/OIF/OND Veterans (including 5,709 Veterans who died in-theater) who, as of May 2012, have separated from active duty following a deployment. In summary, based on the electronic patient records available through June 30, 2012, a grand total of 256,820 OEF/OIF/OND Veterans were seen for potential PTSD at VHA facilities following their return from Iraq or Afghanistan.” Nearly 30 percent of the 834,463 Iraq and Afghanistan War veterans treated at VA hospitals and clinics have been diagnosed with PTSD. Senator Feinstein, your bill already has an exemption for retired law enforcement officers, but did you know nationwide, it’s estimated as many as 18 percent of police are suffering from PTSD according to a CBS News article in 2012?  So I ask you: Why are 100 percent of veterans being stripped of the right to own these types of firearms because of “no way to verify that there was no impairment of that individual,” that might affect only 30 percent of that population, but you seem to have no problem allowing assault weapons to law enforcement officers, of which 18 percent may be suffering from this same “impairment,” as you say? PTSD in a veteran is the equivalent of PTSD in law enforcement officers. They all have the same symptoms.

Finally, you state, “I think we have to—if you’re going to do this, find a way that veterans who are incapacitated for one reason or another mentally, don’t have access to this kind of weapon.”  This is where your lack of education about PTSD shows up the most. PTSD is a condition that is brought about by an external factor, namely a traumatic event or events that caused actual injury to the brain. This is not some defect they were born with; it is something that happened while they were protecting our country and freedoms. The media portrays these veterans as being nothing more than trained killing machines who are unable to stop themselves from committing atrocities, and they are quick to point their fingers at PTSD as the common cause. But the truth is, these cases are very extreme examples of violent behavior, many of which have other mitigating circumstances. For every one of them who winds up in the headlines, there are hundreds and thousands more veterans with no problems whatsoever as well as those who do have PTSD but are getting help for it and leading highly successful lives. It doesn’t matter how many times the experts say these things are rare; the perception is out there that these heroes have now turned into monsters. Our vets are dying at a rate of 18 per day by their own hands, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg since only 16 states are reporting, according to a CNAF.org policy brief. This translates into an average of a suicide every 80 minutes. Clearly PTSD makes our veterans far more of a danger to themselves than anyone else.

As I said above, your comments alarmed me. I have addressed point-by-point how your remarks are based on a lack of information, but what concerns me even more is the totality of your view of our veterans. Our Nation’s heroes have voluntarily put their lives on the line to defend our rights and freedoms guaranteed by the Constitution, including the Second Amendment. Many of them have sacrificed a great part of their lives now that they are dealing with PTSD, a condition far more likely to cause anxiety, nightmares, flashbacks, divorce, and excessive spending than any sort of violent outburst. This is what they have sacrificed to defend our rights, and now you want to deny them theirs? This is the sort of thinking that could make it much harder for them to find the motivation to seek help. If they feel that their rights will be stripped by receiving a diagnosis of PTSD, they will do anything to avoid that stigma. Believe me, as the spouse of a veteran with PTSD, I can tell you that the condition is highly manageable when treated and can make life a living hell if left to run unchecked. I strongly urge you: Please do not make things harder on our veterans who have already given so much to our country by taking away a valuable part of their lives. The discussion we need to be having about veterans is not about how to take away their freedoms, but instead how to get them more of the help they so desperately need.

If you have any questions or would like to know more about PTSD, I am open to having a conversation with you or pointing you to some good resources on the topic. Thank you for your time and attention. I hope my letter has swayed you somewhat.

Kind regards,

Shawn J. Gourley

Author of The War at Home: One Family’s Fight Against PTSD

Co-Founder Military with PTSD

Letter to Senator Feinstein disscusion on Facebook.

How could you not warn me the war was coming straight into our home?

 I had no warning or instruction as to what to watch out for.

The soldier returned home and not my husband.

I got a little pamphlet explaining that most soldiers may have to readjust to being home.

 I believed you and trusted you when you said the readjustment period may take a few months but they should experience a successful transition back into the home.

Months turned into years, and every time I would call for help I was brushed away.

 I called for help because my home had turned into a battlefield.

Guns were being drawn and my children and I became the enemy.

 We lived our life walking on eggshells out of fear.

For almost 5 years we lived in hell. I had to use every ounce of strength I had to keep this family together.

My husband proudly served this country and would gladly do it again if asked.

 But when his family needed help, you allowed them to suffer for years.

We did not want money.

We wanted to have a normal life.

We would have had a chance if you would have been truthful, if you would have told these soldiers’ families what to watch out for.

You should have told us about PTSD!

The media portrays these veterans as being nothing more than trained killing machines who are unable to stop themselves from committing these atrocities, and they are quick to point their fingers at post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) as the common cause. But the truth is, these cases are very extreme examples of violent behavior, and for every one of them that winds up in the headlines, there are hundreds more veterans with no problems whatsoever as well as those who do have PTSD but are getting help for it.

It doesn’t matter how many times the experts say these things are rare, the perception is out there that these heroes have now turned into monsters. It is a stigma that is running rampant in this country. The media is doing nothing but feeding that frenzy, which is apparent with the airing of Dr. Phil’s show “From Heroes To Monsters”. Veterans were outraged at this show.

One veteran said, “The day the show aired I was upset watching it. My reaction (anger, disappointment) came during the part where the guy set the wife on fire. Near tears I said, ‘This is all they will ever see us as now.’ Then watching that wife speak, I flew into a rage when she said, ‘I know when he gets out he will finish the job.’ Pissed now, [I] started yelling at the TV, ‘You don’t even know if he has PTSD, and the wife just put the nail in the coffin with the “finish the job when he gets out,” which isn’t even PTSD!’ Not even 5 min later my family was calling wanting to know even though I am doing better if I get triggered do they need to worry about me doing that to my wife. That is the perception that we are all so upset with. He showed nothing positive or any vets that had been real bad that were doing better. Meant to or not, he just feed into the public perception of us being monsters. We aren’t; we are injured.”

The show caused such uproar in the military and military families community about vets being portrayed as “monsters” that Dr. Phil changed the name of the show. But the damage had already been done.

Part of poor public perception of veterans with PTSD has to do with the stigma associated with the term “disorder.” People with mental disorders are often times viewed as crazy, dangerous, strange, nuts, loony, weird, or sick in the head. The types of disorder with which most people are familiar are bi-polar, obsessive-compulsive disorder, sexual disorders, personality disorders, and schizophrenia. This covers everything from a friend who is struggling with depression to such notable criminals as Jeffery Dahmer and Ted Bundy. None of these disorders are things that were caused by anything that happened to a person. They are conditions that were with the person since birth and manifested at some point in the person’s life. By contrast, PTSD is a condition that is brought about by an external factor, namely a traumatic event or events that causes actual injury to the brain.

Given all that the word “disorder” calls to mind in the average person on the street, referring to the injuries a veteran receives during service to our country by this word is an insult and an outrage. These veterans deserve better. They deserve to have the care they need to function and for the road to that care to be as free of obstacles as possible, and that includes reducing the stigma associated with injury in both the minds of the veterans themselves and in the minds of their friends and family. But the fact remains that many are not getting help, military criminal behavior is on the rise especially domestic violence, and anyone who has a chance to make any real changes are too busy blaming someone else.

Evidence of the hidden problem shows up in the suicide rates first and foremost. Our vets are dying at a rate of 18 per day, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg since only 16 states are reporting, according to a CNAF.org policy brief. This translates into an average of a suicide every 80 minutes. Many of these suicides are happening during the time between being in the military (and thus covered by that medical care) and getting in to see the VA, if they even elect to seek treatment from the VA because going there is voluntary, not mandatory.

Lacking medical care, it is the spouses and other family members near the vet who are the only ones able to see the great need for assistance. By enlisting the help of those close to the veteran in the plan for care, there is a greater chance that the vet will seek much-needed help and learn how to effectively deal with this condition instead of possibly spiraling out of control to headline-grabbing violence or suicide. But as we saw in the case in Gilroy, Cali. where a vet killed his mother and 11-year-old sister, as well as himself, often times there is no outlet when a spouse or family member tries seeking help. In that case, the vet’s mother attempted to call the police but was told that the vet did not seem dangerous and did not meet the criteria to place on psychiatric hold. If she had been able to get assistance, that tragedy could have been averted.

What is most important to keep in mind is that these things can happen if a situation is allowed to escalate. However, well before events turn that violent, there is a lot that can happen behind closed doors that is damaging to the family as well as to the vet, and the spouses and other caregivers need to have a safety net.

For years spouses and caregivers have had their hands tied as far as being able to get help and have had limited options. Before any help could be given, the veteran had to realize something was wrong and want to get help. A vet could also be ordered to get help, but for that to happen, the vet had to be suicidal or get in trouble with the law. The spouses have to make a choice in putting the veteran in jail or remain silent because there is no one to help. Spouses have had to watch their loved ones suffer, spiral out of control, and destroy the entire family, all the while praying that they hit some sort of rock-bottom before they kill themselves or someone else.

A recently released study titled “Want to help a vet with PTSD? Help the families.” In the study it goes on to state, “In 2001, the Veterans Health Administration named family participation in veterans’ care among its priorities for services. Results from this review of the literature suggests, however, that the family is less likely to have the resources or ability to provide that care if family members are suffering from significant psychological distress due to the challenges of living with someone with PTSD. Thus, this emphasis on familial involvement in care may overload already stressed caregivers in the case of PTSD veterans’ families. Currently, there is a lack of services specifically targeting social and skills building activities tailored for the PTSD family suffering from demonstrable isolation. These services must consider the family members as the primary recipient of care and the reduction in the family member’s distress as the primary outcome in the intervention. Although the family relationships with the veteran would not be the primary focus in such programming, the direct benefit to the veteran of improving family life and supports would be substantial and the caregiving ability of the family would increase.” They have known this for 11 years and yet very little has been done to help the situation.

Enough is enough. The military and government’s way of handling this epidemic is not working, especially since their methods are so tightly tied to budgets. Recent statistics show that as many as 40% of Army soldiers have had their PTSD diagnosis returned after it was stripped from them to save money . Another study shows how the Defense Department violated regulations by discharging 31,000 service members from 2001 to 2010 because of “personality disorders.” While PTSD constitutes a medical disability, personality-related diagnoses are considered pre-existing conditions by the Defense Department. However, if a person has a personality disorder, he or she would not have been likely to be enlisted in the first place.

So where exactly does the blame fall in this?

Army Master resilience training – The idea is to train military personnel to become more psychologically fit, so it can hopefully prevent the psychological effects of warfare from turning into post-traumatic stress disorder. US Department of Defense, in conjunction with the Veterans Administration, agree with Martin Seligman who says, “We can teach people to recognize the most catastrophic, unrealistic things they say to themselves when adversity strikes and to argue against the most catastrophic thoughts; realistically, to put them into perspective. This is a well-defined technique that’s been validated with tens-of-thousands of people in cognitive therapy procedures.” http://positivepsychologynews.com/news/sherri-fisher/200911255563

Army – There is a rampant practice of diagnosing soldiers with other psychological disorders so the Army does not have to pay disability. http://www.ibtimes.com/articles/318575/20120323/army-reviews-ptsd-diagnostic-practices.htm

Army- By changing the name of PTSD from disorder to injury, more soldiers will receive help because it will reduce the stigma with PTSD. The American Psychiatric Association (APA) is responsible for this change. http://www.pbs.org/newshour/updates/military/jan-june12/ptsd_05-04.html

Army- The family needs resilience training to cope with being military family. http://fhp.osd.mil/pdhrainfo/media/Spouse_Battlemind_Training_Postdeployment_Brochure.pdf

Military- Once the soldiers are out of service, they become the responsibility of Veterans Affairs.

APA – There is no problem with the name PTSD. The problem lies with the military not taking care of soldiers who return with PTSD. http://www.pbs.org/newshour/rundown/2012/05/key-psychiatric-doctor-rejects-name-change-for-ptsd.html

APA – The fault also lies with the government for not giving the Purple Heart to military who have PTSD. . http://www.pbs.org/newshour/rundown/2012/05/key-psychiatric-doctor-rejects-name-change-for-ptsd.html

Veterans Administration – Even though it is now known the way to help military with PTSD is to gain support of the spouses and other caretakers, the VA doesn’t have the workforce or funds to treat the family. http://vets.syr.edu/_assets/researchdocs/researchbriefs/Research%20Brief%20Galovski_2004.pdf

All one hears is a lot of it’s-not-our-fault, blame-the-next-person, pass-the-buck thinking. No one is stepping up and saying, “It doesn’t matter whose fault it is. We will do this to help our nation’s heroes.” No one is going to bat for these brave men and women, and because of that, our returning military members are left falling through the cracks and spiraling out of control. The veterans and their families are the ones left to pay the price.

Gourley’s book tells the story of what is like to live with a Veteran with PTSD which is going to be given out free as a digital dowload when released. But she does not think that the free book is what has given her page such success. Author Shawn Gourley states “Not only does PTSD have a tremendous impact on the life of the individual with the diagnosis, but it can also have a major effect on family and friends caring for that individual. Coping with PTSD in family members can be a difficult thing to do. The effect of PTSD on family can be great. Studies have shown that families where a parent has PTSD are characterized by more anxiety, unhappiness, marital problems, and behavioral problems among children in the family as compared to families where a parent does not have PTSD. Alot of times veterans and family members don’t even know they are dealing with PTSD. And that is what makes this page so great. People can find answers to questions that they have just by talking to other veterans and family members who have been there. No one prepares the families of Veterans for what they could possibly face when they return home. So we have took it upon ourselves to help one another.”

The book is expected to be released on September 10, 2010 on her Facebook fan page Military with PTSD. Fans will get a free copy as a  digital download.

In this book you will find Shawn’s fight to save her husband  and family from PTSD. Through her story, you will feel her struggles  and pain when dealing with a loved one who suffers from PTSD. Gourley  shows the symptoms of PTSD that her husband was experiencing, and the  struggle to get help for it. This book will provide hope and  understanding to many families.

Many books have been written where an individual veteran tells his  story, but Gourley tells her own story in this book. She goes into great  detail about the hell her family was living in. By hearing this story,  spouses and families learn they are not alone, and they learn how she  dealt with the trauma they are experiencing. Her story also will help  loved ones understand what her husband has experienced and why those  experiences have resulted in Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.

Honesty is a great strength of “Being A Military Spouse: Stand By  Your Soldier.” Gourley is completely honest and tells all in her story.  She allows her husband’s military experience to be told as she  highlights points showing her husband’s changing attitude as events were  happening. Then she tells her story as the wife of a veteran, focusing  particularly on her husband’s Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and how she  and her children coped with it for almost 5 years before they realized  what caused her husband’s anger and irrational behavior. Many books have  been written about PTSD and many veterans have recounted their stories,  but Gourley is the first author I know to tell the story from the  spouses point of view; consequently, her book will help many families  recognize that their loved one suffers from PTSD, and family members  will find they are not alone in how the disorder has affected their  families.

Beyond telling her own story, Gourley goes a step further; she  includes the frighting story of her daughter who developed secondary  PTSD. Many family members develop secondary PTSD as a result of walking  on eggshells around their loved one, never knowing what might set the  veteran off. As Gourley shows how everything is a crisis with PTSD.  Somehow it is all connected with the war and survival. Something as  simple as startling a veteran can make him go into survival mode and  become violent, or he may be irritable over something as small as the  noise from something accidentally falling. Family members begin to live  in fear of setting off the veteran’s anger, which makes them develop  secondary PTSD.

“Being A Military Spouse: Stand By Your Soldier” stands out among  books about Post Traumatic Stress Disorder because it is written for  both veterans and their families. Anyone who served in a war or who has a  loved one who served will find it helpful and eye opening. Gourley has  succeeded in opening up communication in families and restoring hope and  understanding where before there was confusion and despair. “Being A  Military Spouse: Stand By Your Soldier” may help many spouses and  families deal with PTSD instead of leaving

If you’re like most, you are probably wondering why. I mean, what good will it do? It’s not going to cure PTSD or keep people from getting it. Plus, it’s already been changed from Soldier’s Heart, Shell Shock, Battle Fatigue and Combat Stress Reactions to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, or PTSD for short. But the Army is leading this push for the word Disorder to be changed. They are wanting either the D dropped completely or the word Injury substituted for Disorder.

Gen. Peter Chiarelli, the Army Vice Chief of Staff, first called for the change last October claiming it is a combat injury and should be called that so more military will seek help. If you are injured in war, it is honorable; you’re a hero because it happened while defending our country. PTSD implies a pre-existing problem or a weakness or that a person is weak-minded and not tough enough to handle stress of war. A 20 year old kid can go to war fine and then the traumatic event or events happen, and now he has an injury no one can see. His friends and family may not think PTSD is even real; they think it is an excuse for being a coward. Without being able to see the injury himself and with family and friends placing a stigma on him by saying it’s all in his head, he is unlikely to get help. This is unfortunate because the trauma that brings on PTSD changes the way the brain functions and the physical size of parts of the brain. It is a wound, an injury, just like being shot, and without help, there is no hope of preventing a degradation of life that may eventually lead to violence against self or others.

Across the table from Gen. Peter Chiarelli is the psychological community. Most psychologists say PTSD, by definition, is a disorder. Definition of a mental disorder is: Any clinically significant behavioral or psychological syndrome characterized by distressing symptoms, significant impairment of functioning, or significantly increased risk of death, pain, or other disability. Mental disorders are assumed to result from some behavioral, psychological, or biological dysfunction in the individual. The concept does not include deviant behavior, disturbances that are essentially conflicts between the individual and society, or expected and culturally sanctioned responses to particular events.

Both sides seem to have valid points. So what is the big deal if is called a Disorder or a Injury? Part of it has to do with the stigma associated with the term “disorder.” People with mental disorders are often times viewed as crazy, dangerous, strange, nuts, loony, weird, or sick in the head. The types of disorder with which most people are familiar are bi-polar, obsessive-compulsive disorder, sexual disorders, personality disorders, and schizophrenia. Bi-polar disorder tends to run in families and normally shows up in the teen years. Most people have heard about this condition and know it can lead to either deep depression or wild bursts of high energy and often socially inappropriate behavior. Obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) appears in childhood and involves non-suppressible urges to clean, count, or repeat actions. Sexual disorders, including fetishism and pedophilia, are apparent from early childhood and often result in aberrant and even criminal behavior. There are three types of personality disorders that are present by age 15. First is schizoid personality disorder. They lack the ability or desire to form social relationships and have no warm or tender feelings for others. Second are the sociopaths who will lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, and show no remorse or responsibility for their actions. And thirdly there are the psychopaths. This category includes names like Jeffery Dahmer and Ted Bundy. The final type of disorder familiar to the general public is schizophrenia, in which one looses touch with reality and is considered insane. Like so many others, this one can show up in the teen years with the onset of puberty. None of these disorders are things that were caused by anything that happened to a person. They are conditions that were with the person since birth and manifested at some point in the person’s life. By contrast, PTSD is a condition that is brought about by an external factor, namely a traumatic event or events that causes actual injury to the brain.

Given all that the word “disorder” calls to mind in the average person on the street, referring to the injuries a veteran receives during service to our country by this word is an insult and an outrage. These veterans deserve better. They deserve to have the care they need to function and for the road to that care to be as free of obstacles as possible, and that includes reducing the stigma associated with injury in both the minds of the veterans themselves and in the minds of their friends and family. By enlisting the help of those close to the veteran in the plan for care, there is a greater chance that the vet will seek much-needed help and learn how to effectively deal with this condition instead of possibly spiraling out of control to headline-grabbing violence or suicide.

I’ve already been the military spouse. But now I’m a new kind of spouse; I’m the spouse of a veteran with PTSD. Being a new kind of spouse means I have to change a lot of things in my life, but mostly it means that I have to change my expectations about what “better” looks like.

I swear people think because they came home from war alive, life should go on as normal. But it doesn’t. In reality my war has just begun. I had no training, and no one told me what this would entail. Being the wife of a wounded warrior makes  life anything but normal. All  of a sudden we deal with nightmares,  flashbacks, not being able to be  in large crowds, always being on alert,  anger, and aggression because  our warrior’s brain has been changed. It  has been changed due to  injury, not because they went crazy. They return  to us a different  person than the one we sent away. Outsiders don’t  understand, and many  will tell us to leave. We hear things like, “You  don’t deserve to be  treated like that!” or “You just need to leave and  better your life.”  We know it’s because they don’t understand, but most  don’t care either. I could’ve taken that advice and left at any point in time, but what would that  say about who I am? I’m not a quitter; it’s not in my genes. The warfighter mentality has rubbed off on me.

It’s funny, though, whenever I tell my story I get such a variety of reactions. I definitely get criticized for my views, and had I  not been through what I have and learned everything about PTSD, I would  be criticizing myself, too, especially on my view of what is abusive  behavior due to PTSD and what is real domestic violence. It can be very  hard to tell the difference between the two, but the biggest difference  of them all is that domestic abuse is about control and it will never  get better. Other people who hear my story just sit in awe. Some say things like, “You poor thing!” or, “I wouldn’t stay for that.” Some want to know the exact formula I used to make it this long in my marriage, especially if they are PTSD spouses themselves. Do I tell them the truth? Some can handle it, and some can’t. How will they react when I tell them they pretty much have to give up everything and will be totally broken before things get better? There are a few relationships where it won’t get that bad, but in my experience over the years, those are actually the exception, not the rule. For the rest of us, we have to learn a new way of life and a new definition for words like “normal” and “better.”

Every day I hear spouses say, “I just want the man I married back.” Things would get so much easier for these suffering spouses if they would just accept the person who came home. As with anything else in life, there is no going back, only moving forward. As Winston Churchill said (and Rodney Atkins later sang), “When you’re going through hell, keep going.”

See, I changed the way I looked at it: I can be sad that the man I married never would return, never get past it, and let my marriage fail. Or I can accept the fact that his brain was injured, love him for who he is now, and make the best of it. I also had to accept the fact that I cannot fix him. But I CAN do a lot to improve the quality of our home life by working with him to make adjustments.

Because of that strategy of adjusting to the new normal of who he is, we are still married and life is getting better, but not better in the way that most people would think. Most people think that because life is calmer the PTSD is getting better, but in reality, it’s not. It is more that the PTSD is under control because we control our environment. That means that I had to give up activities that I enjoyed and give up some dreams I may have once had. Things like going to family reunions or shopping at Walmart are difficult for my husband, so we don’t do those. Before I spend money, I explain it to him–not because I need his permission, but because that is something that causes unneeded stress on him. Our life is very scheduled, and we stick to the schedule so he doesn’t get stressed. We don’t go to concerts or sporting events, and even sometimes school functions can be too much. And I don’t hand him a list of things to do because he’ll both freak out over seeing so many things on the list and forget some of them before he’s done. I also make sure he’s not left with the kids alone for too long because their high energy is too much for him in large doses.

Slowly but surely things are changing for us. Yes, my husband still has outbursts, but we have learned to just let him have them without taking it personally. I have also learned to appreciate the small gestures instead of the big ones I used to get. Instead of a fancy dinner out, I get giddy over chicken nuggets and sitting on the couch watching my favorite TV show. Most of all, though, it matters to me that he is trying. He is going to therapy and taking his meds. Both of those are helping him make little victories of controlling his PTSD. This may be all the trying he has in him, but it’s enough for me.

Maybe that sounds terrible to some people or like I am living my whole life to please him or that I’m under his control because I fear a PTSD outburst. But the truth is, I love him, and I want him, our kids, and myself to be as happy as possible. I chose this path. I chose to make our lives better despite PTSD. We deal with our reality, and as a result, we are becoming better people for it. We know ourselves and each other so much better, and we feel like we are in control of the PTSD and not the other way around. Sure, I had to give up my dreams, but now I have new ones that I like a whole lot better because they actually stand a chance of coming true.

Yes, my life is different than how I thought it would be, but I can’t really say it’s worse. It’s just a different kind of better than I was expecting.